i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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