I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
