Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
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