I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
