i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
