Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
