Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
