mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Someone came in the potted fern
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
