Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
