I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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