My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
