i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
