Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
