I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
