you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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