You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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