Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
