my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
