walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
