And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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