I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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