SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
