I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
