My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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