I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
