I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
