I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
