just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize