I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I would fuck him just for his dog
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
