I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
