At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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