I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
