my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
