as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
how drunk are you?
Several
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
