why didn't you poke me back
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize