My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
