The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
