i think my tv is drunk
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
