I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
