I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
