So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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