I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
