So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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