M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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