I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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