Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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