So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
