I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
