Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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