I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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