Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
