I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
