I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
