The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
