I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
