Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
