remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
