I heard we made out
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
