Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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