I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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