Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
